Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Ten reasons why Halloween is better than sex...

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10. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.

9. The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some.

8. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

7. Less guilt the morning after.

6. It doesn't matter if they fantasize you're somebody else, because you are.

5. Forty years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again.

2. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!

And, remember to party responsilbly on Halloween or you'll look like this:

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And if you party too hard for too many years, you'll look like this:
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Friends don't let friends get moldy and shriveled up!!
© 2006 BMD

Monday, October 30, 2006

what has happened?

I have to admit, I'm a little scared about Lil Kims's recent appearance. She's looking like my crazy Aunt Cuca and I'm just waiting for her to try to kiss me and feed me cajeta.


I mean have you seen her? She looks like a ghetto leprechaun lately, and I've seen Leprechaun in the Hood (tagline: Evil is in the house!). Hey folks, I had to see it! When I heard there were Zombie Fly Girls in it, I was camped out in advance. Anyway, we're here to talk about Lil Kims in an effort to figure out what the heck they did to her in jail to make her look like some crazy ass Dynasty extra.



Here we see Ms. Kims being the total hot bitch that we love. She's trying to escape from mr Giant Booty, but totally can't run because she's wearing shoes that make no sense (clue #1 that she's not a lesbian. But wait, if she ate carpet in jail and stopped, does that make her a has-bian??). I love her, but her bikini bottom looks like she's packing more than labia down there. Oh well, I can still forgive her because bitch is hot and I'd switch for her, but only if she drove a monster truck to pick me up for the prom.




Oh yeah, this is Classic Kims, looking like the cheeriest leather tranny in the world on the red carpet. You know they looked her up and down and said "Folsom street is 800 miles north and you need to shave closer next time."

What's not to love though? Still, you know she buys her weave at the mattel Barbie factory . DON'T CUT ME LIL KIMS I LOVE YOU.

See, the change starts happening once the court problems of the past year and a half pop up. She tried to clean up her image or something, and she ended up looking like a ... like... *sob*

A backup singer. (note: blogger won't let me upload photos for some reason, so I'm adding links.)

And now she's out of jail, and I thought we'd see a great big Lil Kims-plosion of awesomeness, but instead we get this. That is NOT GOOD, YOUNG LADY. Surriously, she looks like she just stepped off of Gloria Estefan's 1986 TimeWarp Tour bus. We warned you Kims, that the rhythm was going to get you, but did you listen??

She needs to sit down with Mary J and Rupaul for an intervention. I want THIS KIM back. Please?
© 2006 CH

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Tweak me out Elmo

DEA: Drug ring transported meth inside Sesame Street character

OCTOBER 26--A Colorado drug operation hid large quantities of methamphetamine inside Elmo dolls, according to federal investigators who yesterday announced the indictment of 21 alleged members of the ring, which transported the drug from California. During a year-long probe, Drug Enforcement Administration agents seized an Elmo doll (seen in the below DEA evidence photo) in Barstow, California that was stuffed with four pounds of methamphetamine. When investigators opened up the plush doll's skull, they discovered the drug stash inside wrapped in plastic. While Elmo has never previously been linked to narcotics distribution or use, the Sesame Street character appears to have no teeth, which frequently is seen in heavy meth users.
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"Elmo paranoid like a muther fucker!". You know it says that shit when you pull the string. Or, "Elmo clean kitchen alllllll day!" And, "Elmo pick sores on face!"
Damn, in my day it was McDonalds bags!

© 2006 BMD

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

I don't feel like dancing

I'm in love with this. I must have spent the past two hours just looking for different pictures of myself to play with...

I'm supposed to be going to a Halloween party this weekend, with some kind of slutty vampire theme (yawn). I went as a goth metal band with a group of friends last year, and I think we're going to regroup and go as the same band... so keep your eyes open folks for the Hitler's Vagina Reunion Tour! We're back together, but not happy about it.


I hope this party doesn't suck. Also, don't her tits rock??
© 2006 CH

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Mattress on the FLO'


© 2006 BMD

Watch this video and ask yourself if you honestly want to vote for a fucking Republican


© 2006 BMD

Monday, October 23, 2006

Play it again, Win

This kitty (Winston) is remaking the sounds I made after watching the season finale of Project Run With Scissors and stab Jeffrey. Big hugs and kisses to Rich over at Four Four for providing this clip of his pretty cat!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Let the young man rest in peace, finally...

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Anna Nicole Smith will bury her son, Daniel Smith, in the Bahamas today after 39 days since his death. He will be buried in an intimate service at the Lake View cemetery wearing a trucker cap, t-shirt and blue jeans . This outfit was apparently his favorite.

Anna will wear a black dress designed for her by the same person who designed her wedding dress for her wedding to Howard K. Stern.

Daniel was found dead over a month ago in his mother's hospital room following the birth of his sister, Danielynn.

UPDATE:
NASSAU, Bahamas (AP) -- In a ceremony punctuated by screams and cries, reality TV star Anna Nicole Smith attended the funeral of her son on Thursday, nearly six weeks after he mysteriously died while visiting her in the hospital where she had given birth to a daughter.

A gold-colored hearse brought the body of 20-year-old Daniel Smith to the cemetery. The mahogany casket was whisked inside a large green tent for the service. Wailing and screaming was heard from inside the tent.

"The only thing I can tell you is it's going (on) now," Deborah Cartwright of Lakeview Memorial Gardens & Mausoleums, the cemetery in Nassau, told The Associated Press.

The 38-year-old former Playboy playmate, who gave birth to a daughter three days before her son died at her hospital beside, attended the service, said Loretta Butler-Turner, director of the funeral home hired by the family. Three white limousines followed the hearse to the cemetery. Baptist Bishop Neil Ellis conducted the service, Butler-Turner said.

At least six police officers guarded the main entrance to the cemetery, barring everyone except for invited guests. Other officers in uniform and plain clothes stood outside the tent. A small crowd of Bahamian onlookers gathered just outside the cemetery.

Daniel Smith died the morning of September 10 after spending the night at the hospital with his mother and newborn half-sister. An American pathologist hired by Anna Nicole Smith has said Daniel Smith died from a lethal combination of methadone and two antidepressants.

Bahamas Chief Magistrate Roger Gomez said Thursday that police had not yet submitted a report on their investigation. Authorities will evaluate that report and the Bahamian pathologist's conclusions to determine whether a jury inquest is necessary. Official toxicology results have not been publicly released
© 2006 BMD

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

How to be cool, part 1

The first thing I do in the morning, after being bathed by virgins and dressed by cartoon birds, is begin fielding the most asked question in the history of being me: "How can I be awesome like you?"
The answer, my dears is simple. If you must ask this question, it's just not possible. Still, I am peace and love incarnate, so I will help you out to the best of my abilities. I began this project months ago; carefully de-awesoming myself slowly so as not to shock my delicate awesome-based nervous system. Once I achieved a level of normalcy- non-awesomeness-, I set to work.

In part one, we will talk about hair. Get some. If you're going bald, go in reverse and shave it off. DO NOT, under any circumstance, shave a word or design into your head. I don't care if you're in the NBA or the NRA, it's just not a good idea. What you should do is find an awesome barbershop. If you're in the Austin area, I recommend Lindsey at Bird's barbershop on Lamar.


I walked in there and said to her : "As you can see, I have and it is most lame. Please make it awesome." And she replied "Okay, just sit down and we'll see what happens."

In mere minutes she was shaving my head and then trimming the leftovers and then texturizing it and then slathering me with product (that's homo speak for hair gel), et voila, I had a mohawk.

And it is indeed most awesome. My hair is like a shark now, and I cut a swath through the air as I glide along, head held aloft like the mighty sword of Grayskull. By the power, indeed.

So now you have the opportunity to some information that you need to make your hair awesome. Find a stylist who has a look you like - hair, makeup, clothes, the whole look- and give them permission to make you awesome too.

Next week we'll start to work on your clothes. I mean, do you even own a mirror? Good, that's a start.
© 2006 CH

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, BOYZ!!!

Courtesy of ya Mama ChiliGurl
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© 2006 BMD

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

It's about crack time!!

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After a tumultuous 14-year marriage marked by drug arrests and stints in rehab, Whitney Houston is divorcing Bobby Brown.
LOS ANGELES — After a tumultuous 14-year marriage marked by drug arrests and stints in rehab, Whitney Houston is divorcing Bobby Brown.

The pop singer filed divorce papers in Orange County Superior Court this week, a month after filing for legal separation from Brown, Houston's publicist Nancy Seltzer said Tuesday.

The documents could not be obtained Tuesday by The Associated Press and Brown's attorney Phaedra Parks declined to comment.

Houston, 43, had asked in her separation papers that she be granted custody of the couple's 13-year-old daughter Bobbi Kristina, and that Brown, 37, be allowed visitation rights.

The couple wed in 1992, with Houston at the height of her fame as a Grammy-winning superstar known for such hits as "I Will Always Love You."

Brown won acclaim for his gritty R&B songs as a one-time member of the boy band New Edition.

During their marriage, Brown was arrested for drugs and alcohol and Houston entered drug rehabilitation programs twice.

In an attempt to clean up her public image, Houston stepped out last month for an event in Beverly Hills with cousin Dionne Warwick and mogul Clive Davis, with whom she is working on a new album.

Brown, who also has two teenage children with a Massachusetts woman, recently paid up to $11,000 in delinquent child support after being threatened with arrest two weeks ago if he stepped back into the state.

Brown's attorney has said he was having a "very difficult" time due to the separation initiated by Houston.

I got a few things to say to miss thang. Divorce MEANS divorce...no contact, no sex, no nothing....got it?
Your infamous coke habit? It's gone, unless you want to spend what is left of your SHORT career.
Speaking of career...you will NOT have a hit first time around. We still think you are cracked out.
You are going to have to bust some ass and KISS SOME ASS to get back into our graces.
Oh, and don't depend on child support....no matter how much that fat fugly child Bobbie Christina looks like him, you ain't getting shit. Bitch....you have to claw your way back. And I hope ya make it, gurl!
Do I really? Nope. Honestly, I couldn't care less.
But miss thang has a great voice when she ain't cracked out.

Happy Birthday, Shawntel

Happy Birthday, DeShawn. It's hard to beleive we've reached this stage of life. I wish you the best, and you know I love ya more than my luggage...um...but not more than my INXS CD collection! LOL j/k!!!!!
Hope it was a great one. :-)

Signed,
3-way-lamp

© 2006 BMD

Goodnight, CBGB's

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© 2006 BMD

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Today in the "I don't give a FUCK" news...

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Hilary Duff claims in court documents that she fears for her life, alleging she and her boyfriend are being stalked by two men -- one a paparazzi and the other a homeless man. I guess that's the homeless guy's teef above.

Court documents, filed today in Los Angeles Superior Court, in which Duff and Good Charlotte frontman Joel Madden claim that a 19-year-old Russian emigre came to the United States "for the sole purpose of meeting and becoming romantically involved with Ms. Duff."

The documents state, "Over the past six weeks, the defendants have engaged in an accelerated effort to make contact with Hilary, including visits to her neighborhood, to her mother's home, to her boyfriend's neighborhood ... AND WHO GIVES A SHIT?!?!?!

Doesn't Miss BIG Teef and Mr. Has Been pop star realize that nobody gives a shit anymore? Hell, we're all waiting on the final death certificate of Daniel Smith and how long they are gonna try to keep him on ice. (Just FYI, I worked at a mortuary, and even with embalming and refrigeration, poor little dude is extremely ripe now.)
This story is so tired, I think I'm gonna put up a picture of anything...like this:Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
And please note that the blue water will not dissolve a hair weave!
© 2006 BMD

Ooooh, baybee baybee

Ok, we all know Tori Spelling is knocked up, but who told this stupid bitch to wear this oversized 1970's Satchel Purse as an outfit?!?!
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That fucked-up thing looks like my damn Grandma's curtains...and Grandma has been DEAD for 15 years. Or it looks like something Prince refused to wear because he was on too much acid. Somebody PLEASE slap the holy shit out of the Horseface Spellfucker!!
© 2006 BMD

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay, GURL!!

National Coming Out Day is observed on October 11 by members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) communities and their allies.

The day commemorates October 11, 1987, when 500,000 people marched on Washington, USA, for gay and lesbian equality. National Coming Out Day events are aimed at raising awareness of the LGBT community among the general populace in an effort to give a familiar face to the LGBT rights movement.

In the United States, the Human Rights Campaign manages the event under the National Coming Out Project offering resources to LGBT couples, parents and their children as well as straight friends and relatives to promote awareness of LGBT families living honest and open lives.

I pray for those who struggle with their sexuality, those who have to hide it, and those who have left us because of the pain. We are working by example to show people that we are O.K. and that they don't have to fear or loathe us. Everyone deserves the right to be themselves.

With that said....Happy National Coming Out Day!! Go git yer groove on, gurl!!
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© 2006 BMD

Where I been at?

Just for the record, no I was NOT abducted by Tom Cruise for talkin' smack about his hot alien ass. I didn't free Katie either, and she wasn't recaptured by Posh Spice for reprogramming in the Paris Headquarters.

I had a lot of things come up, as is usual. Work got hectic (I have three jobs, so I quit one), there was a death in the family, and I also was irradiated and turned into the Inflammable Bulk. Gurl, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry, gurl.


But yeah... not a whole lot has been going on other than me being stuck in my routine. I'm sorry for being absent, y'all. You know I love you, baby. No, I'm not writing at another blog!! Well yeah, I might have been at Opendiary.com, but he's just a friend, there's nothing going on between us anymore.

There's too much to catch up on, so I won't even bother with a recap... that would be like trying to fix Tara Reid, yikes.

I'll be around here more often, and if I don't post often enough, the Chiligurl has permission to email me and harass me to pieces. Hulk smash, gurl.

© 2006 CH

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Cover Girl Clean Makeup -- Hides the psychotic bitch in you!

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LAWRENCEVILLE, Ga. — The "runaway bride," who took off days before her lavish wedding in 2005, is suing her former fiance for $500,000, claiming he defrauded her out of her share (of EYELINER) of their assets.

Jennifer Wilbanks is seeking $250,000 as her share (for some EYELINER) of a home she says John C. Mason purchased through the partnership with proceeds from $500,000 received for selling their story to Regan Media in New York.

She also wants $250,000 in punitive damages for alleged abuse of the power of attorney she granted for Mason to handle their financial affairs. (Eyeliner is EXPENSIVE, Gurl!)

The lawsuit says the $500,000 was put into an account of JCM Consulting, based in Gwinnett County. After Wilbanks was "hospitalized and under medication," Mason bought a home in Dacula in his name with the money, the lawsuit alleges. (He also sold off all of her MAC Cosmetics Eyeliner shares)

The lawsuit claims that Wilbanks asked JCM Consulting during the summer for various documents, but the firm didn't give her records of bank accounts. Through the lawsuit, she wants to inspect and copy those records.
(Just to see how much she has left to spend on eyeliner.)


Wilbanks also claims that Mason used the company to defraud her. (Shit, he was saving that cash to get out of the country and get the fuck away from her and her EYELINER!)

Wilbanks disappeared four days before her planned April 30, 2005, wedding. Hundreds of police and volunteers searched for her for three days before she called Mason from Albuquerque, N.M., claiming to have been abducted and sexually assaulted. (With multiple tubes of EYELINER!)

She later recanted, saying she fled because of unspecified personal issues, and pleaded no contest to telling police a phony story. Because the ho-bag was out of EYELINER!

GURL, you know the REAL story is that her tired ass ran out of EYELINER, and that she needs more cash to buy some more. Bitch needs to learn to use charcoal or some kinda shit. Bug-eyed skaink!
© 2006 BMD

Monday, October 09, 2006

omgwtfbbqlilkims

Um, can somebody tell me what in the HELL happened to Lil' Kims face? I know Kerry is fug, but Gawd DAYUM!! Jail does NOT do that to your face. I'm just sayin'. Chuck, you are on a mission to get the scoop, bay-bay! :-)
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© 2006 BMD

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

BOO!!!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Yep, Republicans have real "Family Values"

You just KNOW this fag is a size queen!
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Republican Congressman Mark Foley of Florida admitted to, "alcoholism and related behavioral problems," (Behavioral problems = He likes to fuck 16 year old boys when he's drunk) and says he will enter rehab.

Foley quit his job on Friday after word of sexually suggestive e-mails he sent to teenage boys working on Capitol Hill.

The scandal swirling around the former Florida (Go figure...mother fucker is from Florida) Congressman continues to widen. The FBI has opened an investigation into whether Foley violated federal law by sending sexually explicit e-mails to male congressional pages under 18.

That is on top of a possible House Ethics Committee investigation and a call from House Speaker, Republican Dennis Hastert (an absolute fucking pig as well), echoed by others in his party, for the Justice Department and Florida law enforcement to look into the matter.

"The best thing to do on every count is to get the facts out there as quickly as possible and then let the chips fall as they may," says NYS Representative Peter King.

But Democrats say it is too little too late. They accuse the Republicans of a cover-up to maintain their majority in Congress. (Um, when have Republicans NOT covered up some kind of illegal bullshit?)

"It looks to me that it was more important to hold on to a seat and to hold onto power than to take care of our children," says Democrat Tim Mahoney, who is running for Foley's seat.

Republicans have known about Foley's obsession with male pages for at least five years. But little was done, other than issuing a warning. (Refer back to my Republicans covering up bullshit comment.)

This bitch just wants to get hog-tied like Albert Dekker.
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ABC News obtained Internet messages sent by Foley to three different pages since that warning was issued. Messages sent to two pages contained sexually explicit messages, most too graphic to be broadcast.

Gawd DAYUM!! He reminds me of those old fucking trolls who used to hit the queer bars looking for twinks by bribing them with drinks, cash, or drugs. Not that I'd ever know anything about that, ya'know?
© 2006 BMD