Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Where have I been?

I was laying in bed last night, wedged firmly between my husband Bradley Pitt and the strangely hypnotic and magical vagina he's been hanging out with lately and I was suddenly struck by a thought:

I like cheese!
And then I thought "And don't I wrote stuff on that blog thing on the intar-webs?" And yeah, I remembered. But where have I been? Was I kidnapped by Claymates? Forced to watch Dr Phil and de-homofy myself? No, it was even worse than that.

My man-bag was stolen. The thieving bitch got my new cell phone, my iPod, my wallet (id and credit cards, bitches), and my check book. They also stole a bunch of cash (this happened at a place of bizness) and someone else's gas card. I found out that they used my checkbook and ID to purchase almost 250 bucks worth of liquor nearby, so between that and the cash I figure that someone had a party and I'm pissed off that they didn't invite the fuckin' hosts. Some people got no manners.

OH NO MY EYES!

BLOGGER ISN'T LET ME UPLOAD IMAGES FOR NOW, DANG IT! I had this awesomely scary picture of DF on the red carpet looking totally coked outta her head, she probably just snorts pop rocks though. Kids these days...

"I've found your weakness and I will now eat your soul" says Hollywood's hottest young actress.

I read yesterday that little Dakota Fanning (aka "quit yelling, you're making my ears bleed you little snotbag!") is filming some movie that details some rather intense physical and sexual abuse. It's gotten so bad that the film's backers have pulled out. Can I just say that I'm officially a-scared of her? F'real, she's like the anti-Lil' Kims. I hereby move to place that evil Trollkin at the top of the Vitriol's Most Wanted list. Let's bring her in before she bears the child of Xenu and rains destruction down on us from her >redacted by author who refuses to think of a euphemism for her bagina cuz yeah, I do have some kind of ethics or morals or some shit<. In other news

Not a whole lot is going on. I'm really disappointed that my shero Lil' Kims is keeping such a low profile. I guess jail really got to her; maybe I should bake her a cake? Knit her a hat or something? Let's all get together and warm her heart with a cool island song! Or wait, maybe we should just all cut the left boobs out of our shirts and stick Lisa Frank Stickers over our nipples as a show of solidarity with her. We will wear our homemade LK fashions to let her know that we're thinking of her and can't wait for her to jump start the revolution.

Yeah, still no pics allowed. I can't believe I blew my wad with "I like cheese" . Fuck. Oh well, if you want scary pics, scroll down two entries...

© 2006 CH

4 Comments:

Blogger ChiliGurl said...

OMG!! A Dakota bagina is just too terrifying to think about!! I wonder when she grows up if it will have scary teef like her face does! Pass the nerve pills!

7:04 PM PDT  
Blogger ChiliGurl said...

Gurl...can you see me now in LK fashion. The world would roll over and just die. Mmmmm.......pop rocks!! (LOVE THEM) Let's see if we can find out if they really killed Mikey!

7:06 PM PDT  
Anonymous Bea Gass said...

isnt ''man bag'' another word/s for ballsack? ie: a receptacle to hold testes...
or are you referring to a man-purse? its so hard to keep up with the mo-lingo.

3:06 AM PDT  
Blogger Bedazzler said...

What? Laydeez, I am sensing a brain trauma injury may be the explanation behind this post and the subsequent...sporadic...whatever.

5:11 AM PDT  

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