Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Where have I been?

I was laying in bed last night, wedged firmly between my husband Bradley Pitt and the strangely hypnotic and magical vagina he's been hanging out with lately and I was suddenly struck by a thought:

I like cheese!
And then I thought "And don't I wrote stuff on that blog thing on the intar-webs?" And yeah, I remembered. But where have I been? Was I kidnapped by Claymates? Forced to watch Dr Phil and de-homofy myself? No, it was even worse than that.

My man-bag was stolen. The thieving bitch got my new cell phone, my iPod, my wallet (id and credit cards, bitches), and my check book. They also stole a bunch of cash (this happened at a place of bizness) and someone else's gas card. I found out that they used my checkbook and ID to purchase almost 250 bucks worth of liquor nearby, so between that and the cash I figure that someone had a party and I'm pissed off that they didn't invite the fuckin' hosts. Some people got no manners.

OH NO MY EYES!

BLOGGER ISN'T LET ME UPLOAD IMAGES FOR NOW, DANG IT! I had this awesomely scary picture of DF on the red carpet looking totally coked outta her head, she probably just snorts pop rocks though. Kids these days...

"I've found your weakness and I will now eat your soul" says Hollywood's hottest young actress.

I read yesterday that little Dakota Fanning (aka "quit yelling, you're making my ears bleed you little snotbag!") is filming some movie that details some rather intense physical and sexual abuse. It's gotten so bad that the film's backers have pulled out. Can I just say that I'm officially a-scared of her? F'real, she's like the anti-Lil' Kims. I hereby move to place that evil Trollkin at the top of the Vitriol's Most Wanted list. Let's bring her in before she bears the child of Xenu and rains destruction down on us from her >redacted by author who refuses to think of a euphemism for her bagina cuz yeah, I do have some kind of ethics or morals or some shit<. In other news

Not a whole lot is going on. I'm really disappointed that my shero Lil' Kims is keeping such a low profile. I guess jail really got to her; maybe I should bake her a cake? Knit her a hat or something? Let's all get together and warm her heart with a cool island song! Or wait, maybe we should just all cut the left boobs out of our shirts and stick Lisa Frank Stickers over our nipples as a show of solidarity with her. We will wear our homemade LK fashions to let her know that we're thinking of her and can't wait for her to jump start the revolution.

Yeah, still no pics allowed. I can't believe I blew my wad with "I like cheese" . Fuck. Oh well, if you want scary pics, scroll down two entries...

© 2006 CH

Monday, July 24, 2006

Betty had a bad day...

Gurl, all I could think was that I've had worse days than this one! Enjoy...it's hysterical!

© 2006 BMD

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Weekend nibble...or dribble?

WTF?!?!?! GURL!! Ok, I really have seen it ALL now. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!! Ok, the definition of this nas-TAY activity is...
Lesbian bukkake is a lesbian group sex activity wherein a series of women take turns ejaculating on one woman.
The phenomenon gained in popularity after 2004 when JM Productions released their first pornographic movie in the Lesbian Bukkake series.
Because women do not generally ejaculate during orgasm, in practice most pornographic films that purport to depict female ejaculation actually show women urinating. (ooooh nuh-UNH!!)
Oh, HELL to the FUCK to the NO!!
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© 2006 BMD

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

From Oz with lurve...

I was going to do this earlier, but stuff happened and I forgot about it. So, now that I've remembered, it's time to post it. My Aussie friend Lolita (her Musings Of A Bitch blog has a link on this page) said that I reminded her of the singer Pink, so Lolita took an image of my face and brilliantly put it on Pink's body, complete with nicotine and a hint of boobage!! So...thank you so much, Lolita. Oh yeah, you freaks, Lolita is straight. But very gay friendly. So you better be nice to her. She's a sweet girl. :-)
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© 2006 BMD

Gab With Gurl!!

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Dear Gurl,
help me. i am getting bullied reali badly. but it isnt any normal bullying. they bully me because i have started growing testicles. AND I AM A GURL!!! they fell out in the p:e chnaging rooms and i screamed. they punch me and everything calling me a man and stuff. what should i do? is it normal for a gurl?. from dearly unhappy. call me faith

Dear stupid fucking cunt,
First of all, get a dictionary and learn how to spell. Also, learn how to use punctuation properly. Shit, no wonder people punch your toe-up ass. Ok, listen VERY closely. You say you are growing testicles, right? And you say you're a "gurl". This is technically incorrect. Real "GURLS", such as myself, have BALLS, not testicles. Huge difference. So, they are calling you a man because your testicles are dropping, and that's when happens to men, dumb bitch. And what the fuck? You don't know how the hell to punch back? Go watch "The Crying Game" and shut the fuck UP! Oh, and where Jaye Davies tries to take his own life, you should too. But you should try really hard to succeed.
I don't have the time to REALLY go off on your ass because I have dinner reservations with friends, and I'm going to take a disco nap. Then, when I wake up, I'm going to call in my stylist, hairdresser and make-up artist and scream at them, because you have pissed me off.
You may have faith, but you are totally hopeless due to your sheer stupidity. It's disco nap time. Go away.

Love,
Gurl
© 2006 BMD

Monday, July 17, 2006

Celebrity Fun Facts

Below are some little known-facts about some of our favorite people... no pictures today, so I apologize to the stupid people who are now looking at the screen saying "where's the pitchers of lil kims??" Go watch your stories, dumbfucks!
Angelina Jolie can survive for a week on the water she stores in her lower lip.
Kim Fields- Tootie from the Facts of Life- can be used as an emergency flotation device.
Christina Aguilera is neither animal, vegetable or mineral. She is a complex mirage created through the distortion of light through lenses, colored gels, and naturally occuring methane gas. Her voice is nothing more than the previously mentioned methane gas escaping from deep crevices in the Earth's crust.
Tom Cruise will eat your baby.
Meryl Streep is not a lesbian, but she can teach you a thing or two about appreciating the lady-parts.
Alexis Arquette is the product of generations of selective breeding to produce the best actress EVAR. She's like, the Quisatz Haderach of Hollywood, y'all. Wiki that shit, trolls.
Mel Gibson is your father. I'm sorry.

© 2006 CH

Sista Jenn news!!

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All I can say is YOU GO GURL!! Gurlfriend is hitting it bigtime!

JO FM
and STANDING UP - screen in Berlin. Screening August 3rd


The curator at the newly opened "itowe Gallery" (in conjuntion with our Ebony Delight, The Breakdown) in Berlin, Germany is showing JO FM and STANDING UP as an installation piece projected throughout the museum beginning August 3rd. Very excited about the Deutschland exhibit!

(Gurl, STANDING UP is SO surreal!! When I saw it, the only way I could express how I felt about it to Jenn was that it felt like I could touch the vivid colors of the film and feel a temperature and texture! Brilliant!!)

JO FM to play at Cinesol Film Festival. Screening September 8th - 10th
Showing with The Texas Filmmakers Showcase 2006: Bubblecraft, Full Metal Slacks, JO FM, North of Ojinaga, Redemptitude, Room 314, Roslyn, Sole Mates, The Faith of Joey Rail, Vincent Valdez: The Art of Boxing, and Youngster.

(JO FM was a film that touched my heart...Jenn and I know the inside story and feeling behind it.)

AND!!
Jenn Garrison to direct "The Ticket"
News Update
August 1st
Executive Producer and writer Jennifer Crusius has asked Jenn to direct the short film "The Ticket". This is Jenn's first director for hire opportunity, working with a script that she hasn't written or developed.

Synopsis:

Esperanza is a nineteen year-old girl who lives in Houston with her Mexican-American parents and her three younger siblings. She works hard to contribute to her familys income while she saves up to go to school.

On a whim, she and a friend decide to buy Texas Lotto tickets. That same day, Esperanza returns home to discover that her father is very sick. He is no longer able to work and her income will become crucial to her familys survival. Esperanza forgets about the ticket.

We soon find out Esperanza picked the winning numbers, though she herself is oblivious. She takes a job as a waitress at a strip club, but it is not long before she becomes a stripper. As she struggles to bring in more money, her moral boundaries are tested. When she discovers her father needs surgery, we wonder how far she is willing to go.

Throughout the story, the winning ticket is in danger of being lost or stolen. Will Esperanza lose the ticket and never claim her winnings? Will she lose her self and never again be whole? This question becomes one and the same in The Ticket.

Sista Jenn had also had screenings in Los Angeles and Canada! Everyone needs to give her a well-deserved pat on the back.

We here at The Vitriol love and fully support Jenn!!
(
I totally stole the picture from Jenn and the news items from GinJar Productions)

© 2006 BMD

You're eidah iiiin, or you're owt!

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Mmhmm. Gurls...it's BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!! Project Run With Scissors (and stab Jay McCarroll) just started season 3 this week. I smell some queeny drama coming up (pun intended) early in the season. I'm sorry, but everybody I know who watches this brilliance is gay. They NEED to call that shit Project RunGay. Austin Scarlett SHOULD have won season 1. But nooooooooo...that had to give it to that freak Jay. I was kinda suprised that Chloe won last season. I really wanted Andrae' (what happened to Andre'?) to win. Or Nick. Somewhere, in the archives, I have the gif file of Nick rolling his eyes. But one of the best moments in TV history EVER was Santino going the fuck OFF at pisssy Michael Kors. He was all, "blah blah, people don't even know who Michael Kors is...blah, blah, blah". I just about DIED. Kors pissy little balloon got busted. Thank gawd. And Nina Garcia...well, she's chilled out somewhat, but she still needs a big 'ole bitchslap right in the kisser. Knock that bitch off of her director's chair. Chirrenz, did ya'll see that "Project Jay" show (it was only one episode) where Heidi wanted him to design a dress for her for some big event that I don't remember? Mmhmm. They had to bring in some old no-label queen designer to help him!! I fell the fuck OUT when she dissed his damn dress. And guess who I just found out actually made the dress (very flattering, by the way) Heidi wore to said event? KERA SAUN!! Gurl, she made a better damn dress than Jay and he won that shit? You GO my sassy ebony sistah! And she has her own boutique in Los Angeles and Jay currently has NOTHING going on in New York City. I'm trying to restrain myself from falling out of my chair for laughing at him! Ooooh, and when Jay had to get a haircut for a walk-on performance, did anyone besides me notice who the hairdresser was? Mmhmm...it was JASON (ka-weeeeeen) from Blowout, who mysteriously was not in season two of Blowout. HMMM. He must have made Jonathan cry or some shit. That bitch always cries!
But, I digress...this ain't about crying Jonathan or Justin, it's about Season 3 of Project Runway!! I hope that old crazy man gets booted out. He's really weird...like, weirder than me, and THAT'S weird!
Oh well, I'm just glad it's back on. I was having an ANTM and PR withdrawal! And WTF is up with Heidi's hair in that picture? Did her baby with Seal do her weave that day?!?! Oh, gurl...don't EVEN get me started. Later, babies!!
© 2006 BMD

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Back from the dead, again

Oh my god y'all, I just discovered the best diet ever. See what you do is you get an intestinal flu, and then you throw up for three days straight. I know, I know, bulimia is a disease, but that's not all! When you quit yawning in technicolor, the diarrhea begins. THE POUNDS JUST FALL OFF. Run off? Drip away??

No, it wasn't like that, but it was similar. Seriously, I thought I was gonna die. I didn't even think about going to the doctor until I realized I'd lost 8 pounds in two days. So I waited another two days and then went to see him. I can wear my skinny clothes again, haay!

In that time I just laid in bed and did nothing. I watched one episode of the World Series of Pop Culture, and I think I would nail that shit. I need some other PopCult whores to form a team with, anyone up for it?

I'm gonna go read some gossip now to find out what's been happening... © 2006 CH

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Thank You, Chuck!

A BIG thanks to Chuck for keeping The Vitriol going while I was away. I was indisposed, but I'm ok now and no need to worry. I'm also trying to catch up with my college assignments I missed while I was away.

Ok....time for some funNAY shit!! Hohan prefers Coke
This shit really cracked me up!
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and... Suri is REAL, supposedly. Pffft. I'll believe that shit when I see it.
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© 2006 BMD

Monday, July 03, 2006

OH HAPPY DAY!

No no no, today isn't the day that Clay finally professes his love for me, today is the day the Lil' Kims gets outta jail! She's been let out early because of her good behavior; that means she didn't shank any bitches what didn't already deserve it. That's class, y'all.


Now I know that some of you are thinking "What can I do to celebrate this most momentous of occasions?" and so I will let you know a secret. When I'm faced with problems or situations that I don't understand or know how to deal with (wif?), I ask myself:

WWLKD?

Yeah? What would Lil' Kims do??

So here is what I'ma do. I'm taking today off to rest and relax. I will go to the spa for a massage and then get my weave did up and then get a manicurr and pedicurr. Color to be decided later. I will then sleep while my Skanky Clothes Elves whip up a new monochromatic outfit (which my nails and weave will match, natch). I will then spend the 4th of July celebrating FREEDOM! The freedom of Lil' Kims! I will celebrate just like her; swallowing footlong hotdogs whole, pouring out 4os for my homies back in the jail, and possibly re-learning how to do guys. As part of my 4th of July theme, I may decide to go old school and do Freedom Williams.

Is that dope enough? Indeed.

Peace out, bitches, and happy 4th. PS - this blog may just be me for a little bit; send your peace and love vibes to my bald sistah Chili. She needs the lurve right now, y'all.

© 2006 CH