Saturday, April 29, 2006

Equal Opportunity Offender...

10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Elvis really is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is to big for a stroller.
8. N`SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional butt whoopin' helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children cuss you out in public is not normal.
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10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken­­­­ is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the top button or your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings­­­­ should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool-Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not recquire tacky, expensive clothing.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
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I picked out the pictures for this, but my dear friend MizRo sent me this one! Thanks, gurl!! *HUGGLE*
© 2006 BMD

Masturbate more!!

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I don't think I can add to this one!! I want to thank my friend FMouie for sending this to me!! *BIG HUGS* to ya, baybee!
© 2006 BMD

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I'm back from hiding!

See, I was contacted by extra-dimensional forces, and that shit scared me y'all. I was abducted by aliens, lured into their ship (which was disguised as a mobile Origins counter, cuz Clinique is only for cheap ass sorority girls) by Posh Spice herself, Victoria Beckham (nee Addams). She was sitting at a vanity table, made from the bones of Vanity 6 (the Sheen had been there earlier, he done killeded him some hookers!). Maria Shriver was there, and she was teaching Lady Becks how to sharpen her cheekbones with a Doublemint gum wrapper (what we call Macgyver style in my hood, yo) and explaining to her the importance of big, dark hair and matching sunglasses.

Posh and the Shrivertron 3000 were just about to eat my soul when I remembered "Oh yeah, I'm a total mexican! I can pray!" I lifted my voice in prayer to the patron Saint and supreme goddess of gay gothic mexicans, Diamanda Galas.
"Gurl, I'm in trouble gurl! These white ladies is crazy!"

...and within seconds she appeared, looking like she was channeling Elvira (also a member of The Vitriol's pantheon of Goddesses). She slapped the bitches, tore their dresses, and then burned Posh's weave. Then we went out for a burrito, a mojito, and then we partied with judge Sam Ito. The end.

© 2006 CH

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Charlie and the Dead Hooker Factory

I get update emails from The Smoking Gun website. I just LOVE their shit!! Well, yesterday I got an email telling me that the formal complaint against Charlie Sheen by his wife Denise Richards was up. Even though I can't tell which side I'm on (TEAM JOLIE...oh, wait...that has nothing to do with this), the story is a lovely tale of fucked up!! Gurl, she accuses him of gambling, screwing hookers, prescription drug abuse (please, gurl...if you are gonna abuse drugs, do it the right way...with coke or crystal or something), physical and mental abuse and she also asked him about a dead hooker named Chloe that he had supposedly used and if he had anything to do with her death. And the hooker had demanded money or she was gonna go to the tabloids. Um, hello? The clue phone...it's a'ringin', gurl!!
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But see...I wanna know who the law clerk or whoever at her lawyer's office wrote that shit up. They can't fucking spell Xanax!! They wrote that shit as "Zanax" or "Zanex" or something. Also, they need to learn the use of a conjunction!! Conjunction Junction, what's yer damn function? Hmmmph...they need to view the Schoolhouse Rock cartoon on cunjunctions, gurl. Damn, I knew what that shit was when I was like five years old!!
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Ya'll have GOT to read all about it...all I can say is if this story is true, they need to make a movie called "Charlie and They Passed Out Crazy That Day Factory"!! Or some kinda shit like that. But where the hell were Emilio and Martin during the intervention, Denise? Hmmm? Answer me THAT, gurl!! And what's with this kissing Richie Sambora? Are you the ho that sent him dirty pics and made Heather Locklear leave his old ass? It just gets more fucked up and twisted as time goes on, gurl!!
© 2006 BMD

Suri'nProzac

Oh HELL naw!! Did ya'll see all of the damn attention given to that alien baby of Queen Cruise? And I heard on TV (so you know it's true) that there is a multi-million dollar price for the first picture of that damn kid. Well, hand it OVA, fuckahs...cuz I got the picture. See? They were saying she has big blue eyes and lots of hair. WRONG!! She gots blue skin and hairy eyes!! I thwear!!
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Now gimme mah damn money!!

And you can all imagine that poor Kate is being chained in a closet (no pun intended) licking her wounds (EEEEWWWWWWW!!) while that kids' "father" is starting "Infant Brainwashing" on the poor child. Dayum!! Ya know...I don't take depression lightly, but I just WANT that fucker (Queen) to get his OWN post-partum depression. Then that asshole won't be so "glib". Bitch will secretly get his own stash of Prozac and pay trillions to keep that shit a secret!!
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And I'm sure ya'll heard that Brooke Eyebrows gave berf the same day. I hope she doesn't get it again!! Post-Partum Depression, that is. Having two fugly ginger chirrenz ain't no reason to end it all, gurl!!
© 2006 BMD

Monday, April 24, 2006

Oh, LAWD!!!

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GURL, I KNOW it's been for-fucking-ever since my last post, but I been busy wit'skool. My IT professor thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread. But my writing teacher...well, I ain't sure about her ass just yet. She'll throw out a short question, and wants the class to write 2 or 3 paragraphs as a response!! I feel like saying, "You can't handle my answers"...LOL..because I'd be going off like I am in here, chirrenz. But I have to be all proper and shit. UGH!!

ANYway,
I wanted to check in and let ya'll know I ain't dead...just been busy. Tomorrow (Tuesday), I will have lots of time to post and post and post. I'll be going off on Alien Baby Suri, anti-depressants and Tom's post-partum depression, The Denise Richards claims on Charlie Sheen, dumb-ass people...you know...the usual. And I'ma try to get some more Ghetto Prom pics up. Stay tuned, my darling fans!!

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© 2006 BMD

Monday, April 17, 2006

Where have I been??

I was totally kidnapped, y'all.
Actually, I wasn't. I just had a crazy, crazy week involving horrible drama queens, a sick husband, and just plain ole crap.

It all ended well, but I can't help feeling like I just had a really bad cold and I should be quiet and sleep more. Want to hear something else? I went to fuckin' church yesterday! Okay, so it was gay church, and I went with a group, but it was fun. And I didn't see a single person I had slept with, aside from the one I brought with me. Okay, maybe only one, but it was a long time ago and I was drunk.

And get this... they have a 'prayer trail'. A wooded trail at the gay church? Who's bright idea was that? You know gay men love wooded trails for all the wrong reasons. I know there's a lot of "oh gods" being said out there, and a lot of men on their knees, but you KNOW they ain't praying!

I love this bitch, and I don't even know who she is. I bet this is Johnny Weir, superhero. I LOVE YOU SUPERGORL!

© 2006 CH

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Like...Happy Easter...or some kinda shit...

*COUGH*
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And where the hell is Chuck?!?! I'll bet ya'll anything gurl has knitted an Easter Bonnet and is slaving in the kitchen basting a delicious, salty ham or something.
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© 2006 BMD

Friday, April 14, 2006

Ignunt-ass eBay item of the day...

For the leather daddy bear in your life, get him THIS!!
(That means click on the purple THIS)
And that's all I gotta say about THAT, gurl!!
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© 2006 BMD

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Don't MAKE me take my shoe off..

And HIT you with it!! GURL!! I saw the shoes below on ebay and I thought..."This is the PERFECT shoe that you would take off and hit somebody with." I know, my inner gay man drag queen came SCREAMING out the door. *sigh*
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I guess that poses as the ignunt ass eBay item of the day. But wait, there's more!! Honey, if I could wear pumps, these purple ones would SO be mine. Mmhmm!! How "luxurious". And don't get me started on the GAY CHAPS. Maybe later I'll post that shit too!!
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© 2006 BMD

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Gurl walks into a bar...

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© 2006 BMD

That's what I THOUGHT!!

Mmhmm...guess what arrived today? Thas' right...the mobility scooter. Wow, UPS sure found it fast, didn't they? Good lawd. I'll test it out later today after I've had some sleep. Details later, my babies!!
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UPDATE: As of now (14:55), I have tried out the new mobility scooter and it kicks ass!! It has a low-speed switch (which granny here will be using) and a high-speed switch (for getting my fat ass up a hill). It's really pretty, ya'll. I also determined that when you are taking a corner, lean as if you were riding a motorcycle, and your balance will stay perfect!! This is what I really needed in the first place, instead of the suicide machine! It was certainly worth what I paid for it!! Look out, ya'll, Im'a be flying past your house at 8 MPH (low speed), and doing a drive-by cursing!!
© 2006 BMD

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Gurl, it's a lazy, lovely Sund-HAAAY!

Hey bitches!! Well, none of us won anything at bingo yesterday. I think I'm gonna play next weekend then take a break until I know what my new school schedule will be like. Plus, budget money was REALLY tight this month. Oh, remember how the mobility scooter didn't get shipped? Guess who called ME yesterday? Mmhmm....UPS. Seems they have LOST the scooter. What I wanna know is: how the HELL do you lose a package that weighs 130 pounds? How STUPID do you have to be? They are trying to find it. Yeah, because those dumb asses know that the scooter with shipping is like $500 and THEY have to pay that shit if they can't find it or it is damaged.

Let's see...after bingo, we ate at this new Chinese buffet place in Killeen. Guess where it is? C'mon...guess. No? For those of you old enough to remember...it's at THE OLD LUBY'S WHERE THE MASSACRE HAPPENED!!! I kid you not. They have put tons of money into redecortion and stuff and it's very pretty inside.

It didn't bother me to go back in there, but it was a little eerie. I was at the seafood counter (shut UP) when it came back to me that I was standing at what used to be the serving line. The kitchen is in the same place it used to be. The front counter, although redecorated with lovely wood and marble is in approximately the same place the old cashier stand was. Even though the restaurant was revamped after the masssacre, two things really stood out to me; the front window that Hennard drove his truck through is in the same place and the back window that Tommy threw himself out of to save people is in the same place. The windows look different now, but those of us who lived around here when it happened haven't forgotten. I knew people in there who got shot. You never think shit like that is going to happen in your little podunk hometown.

The food was DELICIOUS, and I'll go back.

I like what my sister said about the restaurant and what has transpired in the nearly 15 years since the event...I'm paraphrasing here, but it went something like: "If one of my family were killed I would be so angry that I would want the place to re-open, so I could show that we won't let them get to us. We won't back down." My sister is a very wise woman. And I guess by going there, we showed that evil will not make us back down. At least not the women in MY family. And we got tested (at least I did) REALLY hard in October 2004. I'm still here...stronger than before. They couldn't control my heart, soul and mind. I think that pissed the evil people off the most. Enough that they moved far, far away from here. HA-HA!! I WON!!!

Ok...enought of that deep stuff. I promised you kids a bald head picture or two, well....here goes!! Laugh all you want. It's cool up there when the temperature is warm. LOL Don't worry, though. I'm growing it back to length I had it at. Very short, but not bald. I just wanted to see what it was like to be bald. Well, actually...my hairdresser is on maternity leave and I had a bad hair don't (read: too long and all in mah face) and I don't trust anyone else with my hair.

I doubt many of you are old enough to even know who this person is, but I thought to myself as the pictures were being taken, "Oooh, gurl...I hope I don't look like Squeaky Fromme!!" ROFLMAO If ya'll don't know who that lady is, LOOK IT UP. Her real first name is Lynette. Oh lawd...steebles will LOVE that shit!

Ok...here they are...have a laugh at my expense. You may be ugly, but gurl, my hair will grow back!!
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P.S. I didn't wear the shirt on purpose, but I like that it turned out that way. And look at those scars on my five-head!! (Actually, that shit looks like about an eight-head) No wonder I'm nuts from all the head trauma!! LOL

UPDATE: I just got up a few minutes ago (it's 01:15HRS) and got an email from my sister. She and her partner went to GOH yesterday (gurl, I stayed home because the monthly monster is here, but that's another story) and her girlfriend won $500. I have no official comment. Well, yeah I do. Lucky dyke. They need the money as bad as everybody else does.
© 2006 BMD

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Slacker Saturday

Ya'll...ya know how "nice" I am on here. Well, remember my mobility scooter that was supposed to arrive yesterday? It didn't. And UPS has their fingers up their asses (not in a good way, boys) trying to find it. And don't even bother calling customer support. Oh, dear LAWD...dumb as a post, kids...dumb as a post. BUT...beleive it or not...I stayed calm. Because I just filed a claim with them for what the scooter was worth plus the shipping cost. Hehehe...I betcha they find that shit pretty quick now, gurl!

And it's Saturday...ya'll know what that means for me! Bing-GOH!! I will knock me down some old Korean bitches if I have to, gurl. With a BIG OLE' HOMO SAUSAGE!! *cackle* Have a great Saturday everybody...I'm sure if I win something, I'll tell ya'll all about it!
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© 2006 BMD

Friday, April 07, 2006

Friday Madness

Have a good weekend y'all, and stay out of trouble. Okay, stay out of MOST trouble.
It's Friday, but it's not the start of the weekend for me... no, no, I'm working a full day tomorrow. I do get Sunday off for softball, but then it's back to the salt mines on Monday. I wish I had a full weekend to git crazy.
© 2006 CH

Gossip....kinda. Well, not really.

Happy Friday, everyone!! Ok, I'll get right to the dirt. It's not really major dish or anything....or even real gossip. Maybe I just like to hear myself type. What was I talking about? Hey! There's a shiny thing.....OH YEAH......pffffffffffft

There just MIGHT be a new picture up sometime this weekend or next week of me with by bald-ass head. Not of my bald ass, I wouldn't want to make anyone vomit. Just my bald head. It's trippy.....it's like I'm Curly from the 3 Stooges. Or something.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, my new "mobility scooter" is supposed to arrive today!! Haaaaaay! And shut up, bitches...I didn't get the yellow OR the red. I got a SILVER one. To go with my age and natural hair color. LOL

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© 2006 BMD

Gab With Gurl!!

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Dear Gurl,

I am a married woman whose husband (question cut off by Gurl)


Dear Dumb-Ass Breeder Bitch,

Um, HELLO!!! Can you see that this column is made FOR and BY gay people? Don't EVEN get me started this morning, Mary. It's Friday and I'm already testy. Listen, bitch...you need to go write Dear Abby or Ann Landers or some shit and let us have our OWN space ok? OK. Now, I'm sorry you're straight, but you chose to be that way. Go on fucking Dr. Phil. WE DON'T CARE.

Love,
Gurl
© 2006 BMD

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fucked Up Friday!!

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© 2006 BMD

Ghetto Prom 2

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© 2006 BMD

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Grief, gurl....

Well, shit. Ya'll, Im'a be "sitting shiva" for a day because my beloved redhead Mollie Sue (what IS it with me and cute redheads?) got cut from tonights' ANTM. *sniffle* I'll miss licking the TV scr......er, watching the show now that you're gone.

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© 2006 BMD

the Maple Leaf Gayken


So as I'm reading other blogs, I run across this scary lookin thing!

He looks like the bastard love child of Celine Dion and Ryan Cabrera. God I hate that hair! His name is Kalan Porter, and he won the Canadian Idol competition.

You know what? I love me some Canadian musicians... Joni Mitchell, Alanis Morissette, Chantal Kreviazuk, the Yeti. So maybe this creature can sing, but dang y'all, he scares me!

He's wearing a poofy shirt ON PURPOSE. Now, I know that there is a small contingent of International Male consumers reading this (that's a given when you're writing a gay blog, right?), so I will take it upon myself to tell you that your friends all want you to stop. Now. No one wants to see pirate shirts, or palazzo pants on a man. No leatherette thong, with our without laces and buckles. No underwear that emphasize your ass-crack for definitely sure. Just sayin'.

I'm gonna have to go and do more research on this kid, because as it is, I just don't know enough about him to truly rip him to shreds as someone with his hair and wardrobe so obviously deserves. This last picture is being posted only because it came up when I googled for images of "kalan porter". KALAN PORTER IS A BABY EATING ORC IN THE SERVICE OF SARUMAN!

© 2006 CH

Monday, April 03, 2006

Gimme my mutha fucking change, bitch!

Courtesty of Heather

MySpacer.net Video Code

Sunday, April 02, 2006

GOH, Bitch!!

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GURLS...ok, Im'a make a short story long...so here goes.

My sister told about this new bingo hall about a mile from my house. It's brand spanking new. It is SOOOOOOOOO nice there. Clean, a huge non-smoking room, spotless snack bar (I like that the guy who prepares the food wears food service gloves) and everyone is so friendly! I went on Friday and didn't win anything, but the ladies that worked there were so sweet and nice....and the customers are really friendly, too!! Plus, no alcohol is served and there aren't a bunch of damn kids running around. And no cussing allowed!! (actually that was really easy on me)

My "beloved father" did not want me to go play on Saturday. I think he just wants me to sit and home and be as fucking miserable as he is, but I digress.

ANYway
....I went back yesterday and the workers recognized me and welcomed me back and 2 of them gave me a hug! Well, I never win anything on regular bingo, but I played english and won $50!!! It would have been $100, but another player also had bingo! I am still excited!!

I'll probably go again next time during the week or something........and there were NO Koreans on Friday and only 3 on Saturday and NOT ONE "bing-GOH"!!! And the lady that works there that I just adore...she's so funny.....she ran up and gave me a big hug when I won!I know, it's no $600 or $750 jackpot...but hey, the only thing I've ever won before is bad luck!! :-D


I just had to gloat for a moment.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

© 2006 BMD

Saturday, April 01, 2006

goh, gurl!

Werk yo' bin-goh magic! I want me a gold plated honduran butler when you win, okay? No no, make it middle european, and silver filigreed, kay? thanksbye!

© 2006 CH

Jenny Talia says....

"I read the Vitriol every day, right after my green tea and before I take Joshua and McKenna to day camp. Today I'm going to boil kittens using a recipe I got from Chuck, and I serve them in a klonipin cream sauce that Chili taught me to make; Thanks, The Vitriol!"
The Vitriol loves Jenny, and we have just inducted her into the pantheon as a demi-goddess; she is the one we pray to when we want to find JUST THE RIGHT OUTFIT to scare the shit of the hot Mormons knockin' on the door. Her prayer is: "In jenny's name we pray, may your hand guide my lipstick right off my face and your holy scissors artfully destroy my vintage gowns. Pass the E."

© 2006 CH

Just a funny for your Saturday!!

Have a great Saturday, my sweet readers!!
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P.S....Look at the bitch in the back left!! She's all, "WTF?!?!"
© 2006 BMD