Friday, February 24, 2006

Gab With Gurl!!

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Dear Gurl,
In December of 2004, I moved with my partner of 9 years "Dave" to a town in West Texas. Dave is a doctor and I am a painter. Since last summer, Dave has been very distant to me. Our sex life has been non-existant since he began sleeping in our spare bedroom! Last month, Dave announced to me that he was seeing a younger man who was one of his patients. I don't know what to do and the new man is getting ready to move into the spare bedroom with Dave! Gurl, I know that you are omnipotent so can you please help me? I feel like a desperate housewife.


Dear Crying Into Your Cosmopolitan,

First of all, how fucking stupid are you?!?! Gurl, I am afraid you are beyond my normal scope of giving advice. You should have KNOWN your nelly ass was in trouble when Dave (or whatever the fuck his real name is) moved into another bedroom. Face it, just aren't young and hot anymore. And a flabby, desperate, crying bitch who paints is not attractive. Here is my suggestion: Netflix the movie "Beyond The Forest" with Bette Davis. See, Bette plays a character named Rosa Moline who is a pitiful hag just like yourself. She marries a doctor, fucks around on him with another man and gets knocked up. She wants a big city life and a big salary to live on, which is why she had the affair. The guy she fucked finds out she's gonna pop out a puppy and leaves her skainky ass for the woman he was going to marry anyway.
WELL, she kills the guy who threatens to rat out the demon seed to her husband. Bitch is found not guilty of murder and decides she needs to go to the doctor to give her nasty twat an appointment with a wire coat hanger. ANYway, her husband finds out about that shit and stops her. On the way home, Rosa throws her ass out of the car, down a hillside and into a ravine, which causes her to miscarry the spawn. In the end, Rosa gets blood poisoning and tries to leave the small town by running to the train. But her crazy ass falls and dies in the middle of the damn street. I doubt your sad life resembles Rosa Moline, but there is a line in the movie that I love and you should repeat it to yourself hundreds of times a day; "If I don't get out of here I'll die. If I don't get out of here I HOPE I die...and BURN". After all of that chanting finally gets to your psyche, jump out of a car, fling yourself down a hillside and crash into a ravine. Then you'll die and won't ask me any more stupid questions!


P.S. The term "What a dump!" was originally said by Dana Andrews in the 1945 film "Fallen Angel". Bette said it in this movie, which was released in 1949. Only YEARS later, in 1966 did Liz Taylor utter those words in "Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf". Old broken-hipped slut.
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Blogger Lolita said...

Damn Gurl - you're much more of a bitch than me - LOVES IT!! (and jealous of your holy bitchyness!)

1:22 AM PST  

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