Dear Jeebus, please don't let this be true
If there is one thing that pop culture has taught me, it's that homos are hot. One thing that my eyes tell me is that Clay Aiken is NOT HOT.. Logically, Clay must not be gay, right?
So what are all of these rumors that he's gay about? I mean, sure he's a bit nelly... but I don't think he's gay.
Okay, wait, I'm lying. He's gayer than a pink thong on Little Richard... I just don't want him to be gay. Middle aged ladies in the square states, I implore you! Petition for his heterosexuality and we will grant it to you! I'd do it on my own if it were in my power, but I'm just a member of the shadowy homosexual supreme council and we can't do these things without reason. If you don't do it now, only bad things will come. Look at what happened to Elton John! Get back, honkey cat!
Now on to the really troubling parts - a former Army Ranger has OPENLY ADMITTED to having sex with la Gayken. HE ADMITS THIS, Y'ALL! I mean, can you imagine?? La Gayken would have to be on top, because he's so spindly that he'd be crushed to death by anything close to adulthood. And then, in order to earn your money, he'd probably make you be sober, or keep your eyes open and then you'd have to see him riding your hog, like some kind of deranged daddy longlegs, bobbing away saying things like "oh, y'all feel so gewd up in thar". I DIED A LITTLE INSIDE JUST FROM TYPING THAT!
Or ohmygod, what if he's a top?? Because this former Ranger, he's got "a DNA encrusted washcloth" in his posession. HE KEPT THE CUMRAG. oh barf. So now imagine this big ranger guy, who's probably hot (because let's face it, "personal ads" that say "former army ranger" is gay code for "muscular escort with short hair") is laying on his back with Ms. Gayken sawing away at his asscrack with his baby carrot and saying "oh, I bet y'all like that, don't y'all! Tell momma you like that!" and then pulled out, shot on the ranger, who then hatched his brilliant plot TO MAKE US ALL ILL. And also make the baby Jesus cry, and really, don't do that to the Jeez, he's got it hard enough already.
Here's what I propose - if Gayken won't listen to his fans go het or become celibate, then let's just set aside a few gays who don't mind him to be his own little dating pool. They can do their thing and all we ask in return is that they DO NOT SHARE ANY DETAILS WITH US. Tell us he's your roommate and that he loooves the ladies, please? Cuz then I can sleep at night.
When I picture the reality that I want to see, this is what I'm picturing. Well, sort of...when I picture it he's got more of a "wow, I love these boobies" expression rather than a "oh my god y'all, they're so squooshy-like!" look. And also, look at her! She's totally telling the camera "Would you look at this fruit??
I can't write no more...I need to borrow a nerve pill from Chili and lay down.