Monday, January 30, 2006

How long?!?!

Ya know, ya'll...the reason I've been quiet the last couple of days is because...well...uh...ok, it's been a slow news day the past couple of days!! Hehehe...the only exciting things were to get my 18 month chip from AA (which means I haven't had a drink in 1 1/2 years), and we went to play bingo. Again. Shut Up.! :-) I'm sure I'll have more as the week progresses. And no, we didn't win anything at bingo again. Hell, I could USE a drink!
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a hint of things to come

why have I been so quiet lately? I'm doing research. Here's a hint of something to come later this week...


© 2005 CH

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Deep in my heart

I started some post about who I was, and then it got all treacly and disgusting and I realized- "Hey, this isn't the place to write about this, you're not Tracy Chapman." Really, y'all don't want to hear about how I went from dirt poor Mexican (strains of "lovechild" fill the air, bitches) and became an international megacelebrity without having to release a sex tape (I just did it live!).

So instead let's think about this: Who would win in a fight? Oprah or Starr Jones?

See, the immediate answer is Oprah, but the thing about Starr is that she's actually a zombie raised by the dark sorceress Barbara Walters. She will come back and can't be stopped! What do y'all think?

The Oprah is coming for you, Starr! Why am I so obsessed with Oprah?? Oh yeah, I'm a starfucker and totally obsessed with power! I want to marry the O and live in a purse kennel that she carries around!

© 2005 CH

The Vitrol turns 1,000!!

Ooooh GURL, The Vitriol has just passed 1,000 hits today. Thank you to our readers (even if you bitches don't comment on anything) for helping this little blog make it!! Even if it is on the 20th anniversary of the disaster of the space shuttle Challenger (God rest their souls...I remember exactly where I was when I heard about it), this is a milestone!! I also want to thank Chuck H. and The Breakdown for their input and loving support. Bitches are grrrrrrreat!! So, haaaay from us and again, thank you!! We now return you to your usual programming.
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What in gay hell?!?!

You are

© 2005 BMD

David Gest has a Vagina


You know he does; he probably calls it his "delicate Flower" or "fountain of womanhood" or something equally disturbing. And what is da Brat doing with him?

Mimi is going to disown her and now da Brat can't call Mimi "lamb" anymore, and that hurts. But wait? What' s this about him and Blu Cantrell??

You'd think he want to stay away from her after his marriage to Liza with a Z (not addict with an A). Bitch, have you heard her sing? "Hit 'em up Style" !!! She will knock you upside the head like Liza did and then you will need more Botox; don't do it! You can almost express emotion, don't take 3 steps back!

I'm scared y'all, and not because of his face. I'm scared because he and I have the same taste in women. I don't count Liza, cuz she's more like an institution. A rehab!! hah!

© 2005 CH

Ignunt ass ebay item of the day

I swear...I can basically type anything into the ebay search engine and come up with ANYTHING! For instance, I typed in "used lamps" and here is just one of the results! Well, quackity quack quack. Dayum. Honey, ya'll know I just LOVE to be tacky, but this lamp below? All I can say is "luxurious". That shit looks like a meth addict's horrible attempt at a macrame' project. Soak that damn thing in some bleach, gurl!
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© 2005 BMD

Friday, January 27, 2006

Trivia Time

Oooof. Gurl, there is some sick shit with David Gest and Larry King today ova at Dlisted. Fuck, I need to get those pictures outta my head!! ANYway...here are today's trivia answers, honey: gayest shit ever Project Runway, smell good Manipulator (now you know ONE of my hair products), yummy mufaletta sammiches, the deliciously evil, sadistic, sick but heatwarming Running With Scissors and funny-man Jimmy Fallon!!
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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Beware the Wrath of the Oprah


In the news:

Oprah is going to kill James Frey. He lied and she was all "I love this book, this man is amazing" and he was all "I'm angry and now I'm better" and the Smoking Gun was all "Oh no he di'int!" and now that we all know how he totally lied about the important stuff in his book Oprah is GOING TO KILL HIS ASS. I can't wait to see how this works out, it is going to be an old school ghetto rumble.

Madonna has a twin! Seriously, these skags are totally separated at birth, and so much alike, except the one on the right can hold a tune. I got a copy of Her gaptoothed-nesses latest cd for Christmas, and I've listened to it just once, and all I can say is that at least it's not American Life.

Madge, quit making music and be a good British lady and like ride horses and eat crumpets and shit.

And what the fuck is with her hair? blow that shit out, or get one of your many gold plated robot monkey servants to do it for you. And get something better than LA Looks gel for your hair, cuz that look is just not working for you.

Mimi would take Madge out in a heartbeat. She'd cut her with a high heel and then slap the bitch so hard that the gap between her teeth would close. And then she'd go out for waffles cuz slapping bitches is hard work and builds up an appetite.

God, I just love the way she's all "my upper lip still smells like syrup; y'all come smell my lip!"

© 2005 CH

Oh NO ma'am!!

OMG!! This is just too damn funny!! I saw this shit on MSNBC earlier...I just KNOW ya'll are gonna fall the fuck out laffin, because that's what I did after I saw it!! Lawd, first Disney, now this? I swear, things just keep getting better!
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the real introduction


Or, You In Danger Girl

F'real y'all I'm so happy to spread my message of peace and love through this, THE VITRIOL. No wait, that's Celestia's bullshit...

I'm just happy to have somewhere to talk about the stuff that floats around in my head; you know, you really can't be peace and love all the time. It jus' don't work that way, y'all.

I'll be in and outta here as the mood strikes me. Just so's ya know, I love to snark on bitches. I'm catty. I can be mean. I swear a whole fucking lot. I also like long walks on beaches, kittens, and the music of Zamfir.

Love,

Celestia Marie Jolie-Pitt

© 2005 CH

Say hello to our newest contributor!!

Chirrenz, give a BIG warm welcome to Chuck!! Gurl, I have known him fo' years now! We share the same twisted humor, so you know his shit is gonna crack you UP!! It's fixin' to get more ignunt up in here!! I'll bet ya'll anything we are gonna have some fashion and celb slams up in here now! Honey, you thought The Vitriol was funny before...but now it's gonna be over the top!
Wait...I did not come here to talk about who's a top. Shit...it's time for my nerve pill!
Anyway...hereeeeeeeee's Chuck!! Haaaay!!
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© 2005 BMD

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Ignunt ass ebay item of the day.....

Oh HELL to the FUCK to the NAW!!
I think I have seen it ALL now. "WELL WORN, used women's Black Thigh-High stockings..... These stockings have a really rough lived-in look, so don't expect perfection."

What in fucking GAY HELL?!?!?!
For your trannie friend who is really into used hose? People are just NAS-TAY!!
Ok, now seeing this has just worn me out. It's time for bed...shit, ya'll!
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Sunday, January 22, 2006

OK! Quit whining!!

Ya'll are gonna pester me silly about the new pictures. Well, gurl...go HERE and you'll see them. The top one is me and my buddy Jenn (haaay sista!) at the screening of her last film, JOFM in Austin! The bottom one is of Chuck, me and Rich. Chuck and Rich have been together about 8 years now. I care about these three folks dearly. They are part of the group that I can count on one hand as my true friends. I love them all more than they know.Image hosting by Photobucket© 2005 BMD

Days of bingo and ignunt eyebrows...

What a Sunday. I wake up too damn early for one thing. I'm confused about the location of a friend because of an email, so I write one back to her and go back to bed. I wake up, no response to the email and jump in the shower because my sister is coming over to take my mom and I to lunch and you KNOW I have to do my hair.

My friend Jenn (haaay sista!!) sent me this killer crew t-shirt the other day for her latest film called Checkout. It has a picture of 3 tin cans and the slogan "nice cans" on the front. Hysterical, no? I think it is. Why? Because the film is about 2 people checking out this chick at the market, get it? Supermarket...checkout lane? Checking someone out at the supermarket? They sell canned goods at the market? Cans are slang for tits? DUH!!

So...I wear this shirt to lunch. About 2 people "get it" and look at me and snicker. Of course, living where I do, I think it's great that someone understands this type of humor because it's so rare here.

Because I've lived in big cities where people have some real intelligence and understand the dry humor, I take great joy when someone finds this stuff offensive. It's sad and fun, but in reality I really do push the envelope where I live.

I have no real purpose of telling you all of that except to tell you what happened in my day today.

During lunch, my sister convinces my mother and I to go to bingo. Yes, gurl...I said bingo. Shut. Up. Bitch. Now.

What I can say about that experience is my sister and I were the best looking dykes in the joint. Both dressed to the T, primped, plucked and tucked. You KNOW I spent forever on my hair. But I digress.

This bingo hall is in a place that used to be a nightclub when I was about 4 years old. I remember that shit, too. It was "The Oasis Club". They shut it down by the time I was old enough to sneak into bars at about 15 (
around 82-83). How sad. Anyway, it looked about as old as my ass feels on most days, and they still have the bar part there and serve cocktails! Honey, you KNOW if I still drank Iwould be up spending my disability check at the Oasis Bingo Hall, playing bingo and drinking until I fell off the damn barstool. And you KNOW I'd hit my head AGAIN. That's a damn sad thought. It really is sad...because some of those people in there looked like that.

I digress again. Oh, hell...ya'll know by now that I just go off on shit as I see it.

So...we go in (my niece goes with us and my sister-in-law is already there) and my sister gets the bingo cards. They have this thing they call "English Bingo" (I don't know why they call it that) where they only call out numbers and they do it quickly. I was like
"um...HELL no!!". But they do it really fast. Ya'll know I really don't have the quickest brain and hand-eye coordination anymore. As if I ever did. Thank goodness my name is not Grace.

ANYway
, then they have regular bingo. I have to admit it...I am secretly white trash because I thought it was fun! Either that or because it's technically gambling, which is an addiction, which we all know I have several of, which is a WHOLE other post in and of itself.

ANYway, you have like 6 or 8 bingo card things. It's a rectangular shape that has 3 individual bingo cards on it. Each one is a different color...so you get the 6-8 different
colored ones. We all sit at this table and in front of us, like up in a bar is a TV, so when the numbers come out you can see them. Then the guy actually calls the ball number out (like, "B-10") and you mark your little 3 cards in front of you if you have it. Oh, and there is a space in the middle that's a free space, so you automatically mark it with your bingo marker. My sister had some extra ones, so guess which garish color I pick? The dayglo-neon pink!! (I thought of you, Chuck) I always have to be different, you know. My mom (I love my mommy) sits in the middle and plays too, and after a few calls, she can pretty much keep up by herself.

We're all having fun...but none of us win. All of us came close, but no cookie. That's ok. It was a pretty
cheap and fun way to blow a rainy icky day as an alternative to my usual ultra-exciting taking a nap and messing up my hair-doo.

After bingo was over, we walked over to where my sister-in-law was sitting, since she was there before us...
I know, I repeat things. She was sitting with a few dykes! They were all very nice and not bad looking. And they "GOT" the shirt!! Haaaay! One of them was kind of cute, except she needed to either pluck or wax the eyebrows. I'm anal about that. I don't mind if they are natural and not out of control, but there is a limit on what I will date and not date. And this was a NOT date, due to the eyebrows.

I think it's time for some true crime murder show on TV. What an
opposite of bingo. Oh well, it was a fun day!!

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Sister Mary Hairy Mascara

© 2005 BMD

Friday, January 20, 2006

Trivia quiz turnabout!

Haaay!! As you can see, my ass is up early with answers. I'm all drinking my flavored coffee and jamming out to my "Elegantly Wasted" CD. Today's answers are: orange carrots, kick ass Stone Temple Pilots, yummy Marlboro Lights, freeing boxer shorts and Spun.
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Thursday, January 19, 2006

Ignunt ass ebay item of the day...

I don't know about where you live, but here in BumFuck, if somebody sashayed on into the local HEB wearing these, all of the produce workers would line up and kill them, okay?!?! And I want me a pair of these (the pink ones below) something FIERCE!! I just remembered what comes into my mind when I see those hideous-ass things in the link. The song "Sex Dwarf" by Soft Cell. UGH!! That's some creepy shit, gurl.
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© 2005 BMD

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Ignunt ebay item of the day...

I can't beleive this shit!! Gently used panties? What in gay hell?! I think it's about time for me to go to bed. DAYUM!! THAT'S NAS-TAY!!! Image hosted by Photobucket.com © 2005 BMD

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Granny getting hip before she breaks one!

Lawd, ya'll know I literally live in BumFuck, Texas. To get anywhere, you have to drive, Yeah, you could try to walk but you'll die from lack of water out there.
So I, being the only gay man without a dick (according to Chuck), no driver's licence and no major money for a car...got the gayest. shit. ever.
It's a scooter. All electric, no gas. And it's burgandy. The pink one was too gay even for me, honey. Can you see my big ass on that thing with my bicycle helmet zooming thru the streets of Hiccup Heights? "I just seen that gurl go by...she going into the HEB.", "Gurl, I saw that scooter at Wal Mart at 4:00pm" and "Why'd that gurl ride her scooter up here to the Dairy Queen and shit?"
I'll tell you foools why. I have neuropathy in both feet due to diabetes. I've had the crap 25 years...time for stuff to start happening. Anyway, walking any distance over 20 feet is pure agony. The only way I can tell you how it feels is as if a million bees landed on each foot. Then they all stung you. You do get loss of feeling in your hands and feet (thank god my hands are still good at bitch-slapping someone.)
SO......I go to the paper, look at cars...they want too much for fucked up stuff. I was just about to give the hell up until I found my sales promotors at Good Scooters.com. These folks rock! I had originally screwed up my order in the color that I wanted, so I ordered the correct one, marking the difference in my checkbook. It wasn't but about an hour later, that Good Scooters.com emailed me and had dound the mistake and the refund was on it's way. Most folks wouln't do that these days, but they did.
Hey!! It ain't over yet, queen. Wanna see her? Really? You mean really?? Ok......check out the ChiliGurl1000. Gayest damn thing in the neighborhood. I LOVE IT! Yes, I do have a helmet!

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© 2005 BMD

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Friday quiz time!!

I know it's early, but my butt is tired and I am not thinking for long periods of time on this one. So here we go...the answers are: Loverboy, Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt, SPAM, Fresca and gross obesity. I never understood that shit, myself. Anyway...until later, kids!
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© 2005 BMD

Friday, January 06, 2006

We pass each other on the stairs....

I recieved a book today I had ordered earlier about Michael Hutchence (the late lead singer for INXS). After Michael died, INXS died in my eyes, too. No crappy reality show can replace him. I saw INXS live several times and Michael always stole the show. The sensuality, control of the crowd, ambiguous sexuality, the lust and the stage command. I first became aware of the band when they put out the single "The One Thing" here in the US and became a HUGE fan. I have since realized that not ONE day has gone by without me listening to at least one INXS song or one of the songs on Michael's solo album. I'll never forget him or the joyful gifts he brought to me and to the rest of the world. A song that I feel sums a lot of it up is included below. I originally heard it on the Best Of INXS CD several years back...and it has choked me up ever since. Michael...wherever you are, we loved and we still do love you. And thank you, Michael...for making very difficult times in my life tolerable. And bringing me such unexpected joy. You are certainly missed.


The Stairs

Written by A. Farriss/Michael Hutchence

In a room above a busy street
The echoes of a life
The fragments and the accidents
Separated by incidents
Listened to by the walls
We share the same spaces
Repeated in the corridors
Performing the same movements

Storey to storey
Building to building
Street to street
We pass each other on the stairs

Storey to storey
Building to building
Street to street
We pass each other on the stairs

Listened to by the walls
We share the same spaces
Repeated in the corridors
Performing the same movements

The nature of your tragedy
Is chained around your neck
Do you lead or are you led
Are you sure that you don’t care

There are reasons here to give your life
And follow in your way
The passion lives to keep your faith
Though all are different all are great

Climbing as we fall
We dare to hold on to our fate
And steal away our destiny
To catch ourselves with quiet grace

Storey to storey
Building to building
Street to street
We pass each other on the stairs

Listened to by the walls
We share the same spaces
Repeated in the corridors
Performing the same movements

Storey to storey
Building to building
Street to street
We pass each other on the stairs

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Michael Kelland Hutchence
1960-1997
© 2005 BMD

Drugs, drugs, drugs...

And the legal kind, too. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and yes, I have the flu. Ugh. Honey, she gave me every drug imaginable! First I got cough syrup with codeine and phenergan, some doxycyclene, and some other kind of cough suppressant. At least I could sleep for the first time in days, thank gawd. I found out you don't mix your cough syrup with your anti-anxiety meds or you'll be a zombie for days, honey!
Oh well...at least I feel a little better today. I'm not coughing as much. And you know the best thing about this week, kids?
The Longhorns won the Rose Bowl!! HOOK 'EM!!
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© 2005 BMD

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Overcharged for an ear temperature...

Well, I finally go see the doctor today about this flu shit. All I can say is after the coughing fits and not being able to breathe in general, the fucker had BETTER give me something to knock my ass out for a WEEK! I am going to demand that he or she give me a shot of antibiotics in the hip, more antiboitics in pill form and some fucking PAINKILLERS!! That's right, I said that shit! I'm in constant damn pain anyway because of my feet, so why not give me something to help? And trust me, I will be the raging cunt from HELL if I don't get my painkillers. Just you watch. From a distance. It could get ugly. Well, if the docotor could hear a word I've said because I have no voice, but that's besides the damn point. I can punch like a mutha. I'll let you know unless I'm too doped up.Image hosted by Photobucket.com
© 2005 BMD

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

I'm a cheap bitch...really.

I was all reading through one of my old Rolling Stone magazines recently and an ad caught my eye! You all know I'm a total egomanic so I decide to order one of these bitches for myself for X-Mess. (With MY face on it, of course) WRONG!! After they make you go thru all KINDS of shit online, design, how many pictures, etc... that shit came out to $400!! That's right, $400!! Like I have that kind of shit just laying around. So I said fuck it. I'll just use their damn picture here, mother fuckers. I'm gonna get them back, though. I found this really cool place on the web where you design your OWN t-shirts. I may order a bunch and just give those fuckers out. Trust me, I have many design ideas in my head, but catty queeny suggestions are more than welcome. Here are the fuckers who just want to rip your ass off!!
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I've always been a simple gurl...

Except when it come to getting shit that costs a ton a of money!! For example, I went fantasy shopping at Froogle the other day, and I acted like I was all a ritch bitch!! Ah, for a fleeting moment of happiness.
Then I get deathly sick from the flu...I can't even talk as I type this because my voice is comepletely gone (SHUT UP!) and I feel like crap. Since I try to decide to do something halfway constructive anyway, I started looking at used car ads. I need something that's newer, used and reliable. Some of them are simple...you can apply online. Yeah, sure I had a bankruptcy 3 years ago, but who cares, right? Well, right off the bat, these fuckers tell you that you have to make a minimum of $1,500/mo to even qualify to purchase! Bitch, if I made $1,500/mo, I sure wouldn't be needing your polyester suit wearing ass helping me!! Oh, and you have to have a job, too. That would be great and all, but what the fuck don't they understand about me being DISABLED, CANNOT WORK and am supported by $900/mo SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY CHECKS?!?! And over half of that shit goes to my medication because Tex-ASS says I "make too much" to qualify for medical help. I'm just pissed. It will pass, my pretties. Maybe I can find a used golf cart or some shit to drive.
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